“One inch closer to the ceiling, one mile closer to the Lord, and one light year closer to losing my virginity,” said sophomore Jack Simons, when asked to describe his new existence. After standing back-to-back with a known 6-footer yesterday in the Village stir-fry line, Simons realized that he, too, ...

In a bold new ad campaign, the Funyuns™ twitter account is pretending to be operated by a captured and coerced Brendan Fraser, the Hollywood star best known for his roles in the Mummy franchise. Coming in the wake of several other bizarre Twitter marketing campaigns from brands attempting to appeal ...

After 22 years of denying interviews to reporters, the special effects coordinator on the set of The Mummy finally agreed to give us an insight into the wonders of The Mummy universe—and why he quit during the shooting of the second movie.  “Brendan Fraser was a method actor, you see,” ...

Is there someone in your life who you desperately want to get rid of? Someone you wish would just disappear? Look no further: here are several girl-illa warfare tactics I’ve learned throughout my life that are sure to make that person never contact you again. Invite them to join your ...

They do not know I exist. They do not know I’ve been present during their zoom meetings. I cannot disclose exactly how I’ve been able to infiltrate their sect lest I be compromised. However, it may involve two paper cups, one placed near the computer of a satirist, the other ...

It’s an awkward conversation nobody wants to have…. no, not the sex talk. Not how much you wish your grandpa’s girlfriend would clean her dishes. Not meekly asking Chancellor Martin to divest from fossil fuels.  You must talk to your friends about how you plan to stay in touch post-graduation. ...

I’m confused. Everyone keeps saying we are in a pancake and I guess I am starting to see it or something…?  I first heard about this theory on Twitter. I just assumed it was part of a movement of modern American post-realist thinkers fostering an intellectual discussion about the state ...

(in relation to Plato’s allegory of the Cave and Atwood’s internalized Male Gaze)   Ha! Gotchu, you fuckin’ nerd. You thought I was gonna comment on how Foucault’s panoptic systems extend beyond the carceral archipelago and into our own minds, affecting our perceptions of reality as described by Plato’s cave ...

In ANTHRO 360: “Animals, Furries, and Guillermo del Toro”, we watched a very thought-provoking YouTube video about a group of cattle ranchers in Wakawuhwoh County, Wisconsin. After an outbreak of a fairly deadly cow disease, farmers had to work hard to make sure their cowmunities rarely intermingled. In Wakawuhwoh, farmers ...

An investigation conducted by WashU’s Premier journalists has exposed where your gross food-particle-y spit goes post COVID test (we know you don’t actually abstain from unholy indulgences/extravagances like food and water for 30 minutes before the test, you ignorant fools). We never actually see where the vials of spit go ...