1. We’re nuts over this chic two-piece from Nu Swimwear! The bike-short bottoms flatter your thighs, while the top leaves plenty of skin exposed to the merciless, searing-hot sun that will beat down on the melted wreckage of our planet.             2. We ...

Earlier this week, it was reported that Rihanna had been offered the opportunity to headline this year’s Super Bowl halftime show but turned it down in support of Colin Kaepernick. We can now confirm reports that America’s favorite sellout, Adam Levine, has followed suit— not in solidarity of Kaepernick but ...

Pull up your Khakis, charge your Juul, and slip on that Patagonia vest, because you definitely don’t want to stand out and be yourself during this sausage fest! The ladies had a hellish four days of recruitment and now it’s your turn to partake in the honorable and essential two ...

Ah, the California Gold Rush. A chaotic time, fondly remembered by some and fervently denied by others. There was California; there was Gold; and, of course, there was Rush. The California Gold Rush encapsulates the American Dream of finding a metric shitton of gold; while naysayers will say things like ...

In a groundbreaking study published last week in Fake Science Monthly, America’s premier science and research journal, Washington University researchers discovered that the smell from the commonly used Miracle Grow fertilizer on average decreases pp size by 0.5 inches per year. “The fertilizer is highly effective,” said grounds crew member ...

The MIT Economics Department released a study last week that they wrote for broad public consumption. Department Chair Lucas Gooch explained that his department is “trying to send a message that ordinary people can understand, because it’s little nudges like this that can change the world.” The study, titled “Hey ...

Citing changes to social policy, the Office of Residential Life will require hired security for registered dorm parties, effective October 2018. Former campus policies had permitted students to host personal social events, provided their RAs didn’t give a shit. According to new policy, security aides will be responsible for checking ...

CLAYTON, MO – Scrolling through his texts from the previous night with a mounting sense of dread, Assistant Director of Greek Life Austin Sweeney was forced to confront the fact that he had made a terrible mistake; last night’s bender had resulted in ugly and potentially long-lasting consequences. “This new ...

In a stunning discovery, WashU medical students identified a rare pathogen on Friday known to be wreaking havoc among the Student Life publication staff. Coined “bad journalism” by sophomore Trevor Dietrich, the rare phenomenon continues to spread amongst members of the paper’s roster and shows no signs of stopping. “The ...

Washington University’s Leading Together fundraising campaign concluded on June 30th, far exceeding expectations by soliciting over $3.378 billion in gifts and commitments to be promptly locked in a vault and buried far beneath the surface of the earth. In an August 30th email to the Washington University community, Chancellor Mark ...