Op-Ed: I Have Finally Accepted Life in a Pancake

I’m confused. Everyone keeps saying we are in a pancake and I guess I am starting to see it or something…? 

I first heard about this theory on Twitter. I just assumed it was part of a movement of modern American post-realist thinkers fostering an intellectual discussion about the state of our being.

For example, I witnessed a lively debate over whether we are in a Pandemonium or a Parent Trap or a Pajama or Paw Patrol. (Personally, I was rooting for Paw Patrol.) Pancake was just another theory someone proposed…

I didn’t think anything of it until John Stamos tweeted: “Why are bitches still going to Nobu? We are in a pancake, everyone.” While I don’t know why bitches are still frequenting Nobu, I love John Stamos and agree with everything he says. This was the evidence that tipped me over into pancake camp. 

When I asked my cousin Greg about it, he told me it was just a joke. Pancakes are funny, so I get the impetus behind it. But get over yourself, Greg. You can’t explain why everyone I follow on TikTok is convinced that we are in a pancake. In fact, almost every Tik Tok I see seems to reference this fact…they say it with the lightness and gaiety of buttermilk but I can’t help but wonder about the implications of such a profound realization. 

Absolutely quaking, I turned to my spiritual leader, Carlotta, for advice: “At first, I thought it was preposterous. We are obviously living in the eye of Zorp, not a breakfast food. Then I thought it could be a funny joke. But last week, my roommates broke out the chair that we use for interventions and told me the truth– that our home is probably made of batter. Probably cooked by Zorp tho.”

My mind whirring with the words of Stamos and Carlotta, it has all started to make sense these past few weeks. All of a sudden, the pancake of a world slapped me across the face, snapping me out of my ignorant youth. Whipped cream. IHop. Canada

Was it always this way? I’m not sure, but I need answers. Is it normal to conceptualize anxiety as a heavy syrup that is weighing you down? Is it strange to use butter as sunscreen? 

Whether you love breakfast or you fucking hate that shit, I think people ought to know the truth the government doesn’t want you to know: Wash your hands, people. We are deep in a pancake!