Habif Denies People STI Testing: Too Many People Who Don’t Fuck Are Using the Tests

In a recent campaign to boost morale among Habif staff and save money in a healthcare system that has been immensely affected by inflation, Habif employees have created restrictions on who can take a test to check for sexually transmitted diseases. 

The parameters: 

“But do you think they actually fuck?” 

Freshman Jack Smith walked in to receive an STI test with conviction that his WashU insurance would pay for his test. After a quick physical exam, Habif employee Sepreh Latineg  Poll assessed that due to the grey sweatpants and Umrath residence, he likely needed to be tested. 

After Sepreh delivered the news that he was in fact HIV positive. She answered a couple questions.

“We recognize that this policy is not necessarily foolproof. But some of these kids are truly kidding themselves when they ask for that test.”

One senior, a boy named Kyle Watkins, was denied testing after he briefly mentioned he was on the robotics team.

“It just sucks because like if they had given me a test, my syphillis probably could have been treated earlier, and I wouldn’t be paralyzed.” 

When I brought up Kyle’s predicament to Sepreh, she looked unphased 

“No system is foolproof.”

As Kyle wheeled away, Sepreh shrugged.

“We might need to revisit the policy, but seeing their faces when we deny them is just so fun.” 

At a time when the CDC warns about the rate of STIs increasing, some are unsure of whether the cost effectiveness of this measure truly outweighs the possible risks of an STI outbreak. 

Freshman Chloe Midia argues that WashU should focus more of its attention on expanding STI testing, not reducing it. 

“In a school so heavily affiliated with great healthcare, it makes no sense at all.”

Sepreh scoffed. 

“Do you really think those premeds are getting pussy?”