You know what you did. Just say you’re sorry to Don Cheadle. He knows you didn’t mean it. He doesn’t even think ill of you. All he wants is to know you regret doing what you did because it was wrong, plain and simple. Listen, we all make mistakes, and ...

To the Washington University community: I write to you today to address the Presidential election that concluded yesterday. Yesterday, we, the __(Nationality)___ people, voted into office __(Famous Celebrity)__. While many on this campus may not (verb) with this choice, it is imperative that we now ______(verb)______ together as one _______(body ...

This week sophomore Jessica Abrams has officially declared to her friends and family that she will no longer be attending Wash U. Abrams explained her departure in an emotional facebook post: “Dearest friends and loved ones. It fills me with great excitement to say that I am heading on to ...

The University-hosted Open Discussion for Democracy and Disagreement took an unexpected turn September 14th when it suddenly ended in a fatal stabbing. The incident stemmed from a disagreement between freshman Austin Wilson and junior Lauryn Saunders-Brownstein. “Austin was totally out of control,” claimed a witness who refuses to label herself ...

As the University prepares itself for the upcoming presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, an increased sense of excitement can be felt throughout campus. Less excited, however, is Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson, who failed to gain the 15% support in national polls needed to be invited to ...

Freshman Jeremy Morrison reported recently that he was feeling “very nervous,” but foolishly because he feared he “wouldn’t fit in at college,” and not because of the ancient and maleficent being Ieriub’hxal that has haunted him since a rather unfortunate visit to Madam Beelzebub’s Antique Shop and Hotdog Shack back ...

As the semester kicks into high gear for many Washington University students, freshman Samantha Kline has an exciting new job– a fully tenured position as a professor of physics. Last Monday morning, while trying to withdraw from his introduction to Physics class, Kline pushed the wrong button and instead became ...

Noting a disturbing rise in the number of boo-boo diagnoses made by SHS this month, EST officials warned that the group may not have a large enough supply of kissies to treat the growing outbreak among students. While September is known as peak season for ouchies and oopsies as new ...

Tuesday morning, while walking backwards past the Women’s Building, volunteer tour guide Samantha Engles was overheard assuring parents of the total safety of the campus while trying to keep a straight face. “Don’t worry, the areas to the west, south, and east of campus are completely safe,” Engles barely managed ...

After the April 14th walkout in support of adjunct professors was cancelled due to an agreement between the administration and employees, social justice warrior Bryan Bergson is now searching for additional reasons to boycott class. “What happened on this campus on April 14th was an outrage,” claimed Bergson. “As student ...