Six weeks into his college career, Freshman Matt Blake’s sex life has failed to live up to his expectations. Despite the popular media’s depiction of college as a time for wild parties and unrestrained sexual deviance, Blake says that his experience has been overwhelmingly disappointing. “Where are the tits?” a ...

The ongoing strike by International Wrestling Federation referees has forced the league to hire replacement officials, but some believe that the new officials are unprepared for the frantic pace of the sport. Many wrestlers have already come forward to complain about the referees. “These scabs are terrible!” said former World ...

The Washington University  Board of Directors announced today that it has unanimously voted to relieve Mark S. Wrighton of his duties as Chancellor. The announcement comes after allegations surfaced that the former Chancellor lied about inventing the glow stick on his resume. “I am extremely disappointed by these recent findings,” ...

To prepare for his second semester as a painting major, junior Silas Maddox felt he needed to “take the pressure off” and simply enjoy what he loves to do. The painting studios at Wash U often produce high-strung students who get so caught up attempting to master the conceptual form ...

In an unprecedented turn of events, the Washington University Career Center announced that it has finally helped a graduating senior land a job. The announcement came in the form of a 3:00 am Record email, in which Career Center Director Mark Smith was quoted saying, “We’re pleased to announce that ...

In light of high unemployment, a tax system in disarray, and widespread financial instability, senior Jake Jacobs has come out of the closet to profess his allegiance to the GOP. “I’ve always felt a little different from my peers,” Jacobs admitted. “I remember when I was ten years old watching ...

Faced by what he is calling “the most unfortunate display of options since the NBA Finals,” area bigot Jefferson Hezekiah admits that he is struggling to choose between presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. “The decision was so much easier during the last election,” Hezekiah explained. “Sure, it was ...