Oh Shit, Previously-5’11 Dude Realizes He’s Grown an Inch

“One inch closer to the ceiling, one mile closer to the Lord, and one light year closer to losing my virginity,” said sophomore Jack Simons, when asked to describe his new existence. After standing back-to-back with a known 6-footer yesterday in the Village stir-fry line, Simons realized that he, too, had attained that landmark altitude. 

Simons noted that his posture has markedly improved in the past 24 hours: “At 5’11, it was like, what is even the point of standing up straight? It’s not like it was gonna get me anywhere. But now? I’m straight up looking down at everyone.” 

His roommate, Jonah Klein, was somewhat bemused by the entire situation. “This morning, he walks up to me and is like ‘hey, dude. I’m six feet,’ and I’m like no man, you only have two. Shit’s wack, I don’t know what’s up with him.” 

Simons is living with newfound gusto, taking joy in Certified Tall Person activities such as sending “man I’m too tall for this desk, it’s killing my back” to the Intermediate Microeconomics Zoom chat, hitting the top of door frames as he passes through, and ordering a pair of what he describes as “those grey sweatpants that make your dick look big.” 

A worried Klein speculated that “maybe he won’t want to be friends anymore. Like, I feel like he was only my friend because me being 5’9 helped ease his inferiority complex. But like now, what if his gold chain is enough on its own to satisfy that need, and I’m just dead wood? Fuck, I don’t want my VEast housing group to fall through.” 

Simons was last seen pretending to duck below an Exit sign when he had at least an inch of clearance space, and could have just stepped to the right anyway.