New White House Intern Looks Suspiciously Like Robert Mueller

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According to local reports, White House staffers voiced concerns on Tuesday regarding a controversial addition to the West Wing: a secretarial intern who bears a striking resemblance to Special Council Robert Mueller. The intern, seventy-two-year old Mobert Bueller, undoubtedly shares many of the investigator’s physical traits; from his trademark crow’s ...

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CNN Stenographer Goes Rogue During Sessions Hearing

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Media analysts were baffled on Tuesday afternoon when scripts provided by CNN stenographer Dana Schumacher diverged from statements made by Attorney General Jeff Sessions in his much-anticipated appearance before the Senate Intelligence Committee. As Sessions answered questions from committee members on Russian electoral interference, a transcript broadcast live on CNN ...

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Alex Jones Wears Formal Tin Foil to Interview with Megyn Kelly

He won't be foiled again.

Arriving in style to his primetime debut, Alex Jones entered the Sunday Night with Megyn Kelly studio dressed in a dapper tin foil double-lapel and slacks. “I bought this for inauguration day,” Jones declared proudly, noting that he couldn’t attend due to cellphones at the venue. The Reynolds Wrap suit ...

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First Year Center Selects Communist Manifesto For Summer Book Program

Surprising many, First Year Chancellor Harry Pollack announced this past Friday that “Manifesto of the Communist Party” by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels will be the subject for the annual freshmen summer book program. “Our goal for the freshmen summer book program is to expose students to new and potentially ...

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Google to Acquire France for $1.65 Trillion

Google announced this afternoon that it would buy France, the popular European country, for stock that it valued at $1.65 Trillion. Google beat out a number of other France suitors, including the United Kingdom, Germany, and Elon Musk. By once again successfully negotiating the deal, Google has once again proved ...

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Freshman Recognized After Taking Service Trip to Traditional Dorm

Calling it an “act of compassion,” Vice Chancellor Holden Thorp commemorated freshman Taylor Wong for her service trip to a traditional dorm at a school-wide ceremony this past Friday. “Taylor’s courageousness and bravery to visit a place that is in such need of help ought to inspire all of us,” ...

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History of the Eco To-Go Box

August 14th 2016: Eco-To-Go box arrives to Wash U after being made in a Chinese Factory. August 29th 2016: Freshman Henry Newberg receives Eco-To-Go box from Bear’s Den after receiving a free voucher from his RA. August 30th 2016: Freshman Henry Newberg vomits in the Eco-To-Go box after a rough ...

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