Trump Briefly Forgets Vice President’s Name

"I should have done name tags."

According to reports, President Donald Trump confronted an unforeseen problem in Tuesday’s Cabinet meeting when Mr. Trump couldn’t seem to remember the name of his vice president, Mike Pence. “The guy’s here all the time, but I just couldn’t put a finger on it,” Mr. Trump admitted to a source ...

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Squirrel Planning Something

Thinking about nuts, or something much more sinister?

Concerns over the suspicious behavior of a campus squirrel have led to the formation of Wash U’s newest student group, “TSIPS” (That Squirrel Is Planning Something). In an exclusive interview, club president Michael Kraus revealed that “We don’t know what exactly this squirrel is up to, but we have some ...

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WUnderground Publishes Confusing Meta-Article

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Clayton, MO: WUnderground, Washington University’s premier satirical outlet, published an article about itself in an attempt to break the fourth wall. It has 373 total words and appears on the second page of the first WUnderground issue of the semester. The article currently being read is the first instance of ...

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Five Steps to the Perfect Mid-Autumn Tan

Don't let the autumn chill get in the way of your sun-kissed glow.

1. Exfoliate Prior to tanning, exfoliating with a loofah or scrubber helps to get rid of the top layer of dead skin. This allows your tan to develop on the fresh new skin that was underneath, lengthening the duration of your tan! The following link will provide the steps you ...

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Members of Mystery Inc. Charged with Trespassing, Aggravated Assault

"I spoke to the IRS, Mr. Jones. No records."

Investigations into Mystery Inc. concluded on Monday morning, with prosecutors leveling charges against several of the firm’s employees for trespassing and felony assault. The vigilante organization, founded by Fred Jones Jr., first generated public scrutiny after hospitalizing area theater director Michael Davensport with a series of improvised “Scooby trap” devices. ...

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Internet Usage on South 40 Breaks Record During Fall Break

In a surprising statement, the Washington University Director of Technology announced that Fall Break defied all typical trends with a massive spike in Internet usage. The statement theorized that since the four-day weekend allowed many students to leave St. Louis, many roommates were freed of the restrictions of a shared ...

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Boy Scouts Expanding Into New, Weirdly Niche Groups

Applebees Scouts prepare for their annual pilgrimage to Applebees.

The Boy Scouts of America recently announced their decision to accept girls, raising concerns over the future of partner organization Girl Scouts of America. “In response to changing definitions of gender identities, we think it would be best to focus on the interests of our creative, socially lethargic young scouts,” ...

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White House Expels Steve Bannon by Chanting Name Three Times

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According to sources, the spirit of chief strategist Steven Bannon was forcibly expelled from the White House on Friday after staffers recited an incantation purging the West Wing of Mr. Bannon’s ghost. “There was just this horrible screeching,” remarked one advisor witness to Mr. Bannon’s expulsion. Bannon, a seventh century ...

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