Post-Election Clinton Addresses Local Credit Union

hillarycreditunion

This past Wednesday, Mrs. Clinton delivered remarks at local credit unions about the benefits of “saving for retirement.” Coming off a stunning election shock, Hillary Clinton has failed to line up the coveted speaker positions she had from investment banks such as Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase she enjoyed before ...

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Shy Woman, Consistently Holding a Mug, Claims She’s an “Avid Writer”

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Local bookstore clerk, Veronica Sneebler, went on record last Tuesday claiming that she’s an “avid writer”. However, after a week of intense investigative reporting, we have received contradictory information. According to consistent bookstore visitor and legitimate avid writer, Meredith Wang, Veronica has never actually written. To solve this potentially international ...

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Sophomore Unaware Thanksgiving to Double as Intervention

Jason Smith '19 (center) having an uncomfortable discussion with his family.

According to sources, sophomore Jason Smith is blissfully unaware that his family is planning to use Thanksgiving dinner to intervene on his aggressive social media presence. His family cites his Facebook as the primary cause of the intervention, although his Instagram and Twitter also look to be part of the ...

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Things Chancellor Wrighton Invented Other Than Glow-Sticks

Thomas Edison can suck my dick.

We all know Chancellor Wrighton invented glow-sticks back when he was at Cal-Tech, forever changing the rave scene for the better. What you might not know, however, is that the Chancellor has actually had a long string of important inventions. We’ve listed some below: The Pill: Here’s another from Wrighton’s ...

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WGSS Professor Fails Student’s Essay: “Not Enough Jargon”

madprofessor

This past Friday, WGSS Professor Taylor Reed handed back graded essays to their Women and Gender Studies class. When senior Jack Freeman was handed his essay, he was shocked to see a big F at the top. Freeman, who is taking the class to fulfill his “social differentiation” ArtSci requirement, ...

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