Girl-illa warfare tactics you just HAVE to try

Is there someone in your life who you desperately want to get rid of? Someone you wish would just disappear? Look no further: here are several girl-illa warfare tactics I’ve learned throughout my life that are sure to make that person never contact you again.

Invite them to join your MLM

H- He- Hey, girly! It took everything in me to say that. If you’re really looking to make sure this person never contacts you again, the best way to turn them away is by sliding in their Instagram DMs with a script similar to the one below. Instant unfollow guaranteed every time (and sometimes even a block)!

Hey, boss babe! Looking to make some extra cash💰 ? Tired of working that 9 to 5🕒? (Dolly warned us!) Join my soul sisters and me to claim the life you deserve. What’s holding you back? Come make your own hours, pay off your bills🤑, and help sell some amazing products! You’ve heard of lip plumpers, well PussyPlumper is the world’s first and only pussy lip plumper! I totally think you’d be the perfect fit. LMK ASAP when you’re interested and I can get you set up! Can’t wait to have you join our tribe. XOXO💖💖💖

Reference your Zodiac sign every 5 minutes

That’s such a Leo thing of me to tell you. We’re friends on Co-Star already right? Like, I just need to be able to tell if our charts are compatible before I agree to hang out with you in the future. Because the planetary alignment right now isn’t great for our friendship. OMG are you walking away from me?? Such a Cancer move. You’re being kind of unreasonable right now, is that you or your Aries moon talking? Remember that northern California serial killer from the ‘60s and ‘70s?

You get the picture (or constellation, if you will).

Drop a backhanded compliment on their Instagram posts

This is sure to send a message. Here are some of my personal favorites, but ideally you’ll tailor your comment to exploit the recipient’s deepest insecurities. 

  • “I wish I had your confidence!💕”
  • “I love how you just wear anything😍”
  • “You’re so brave!😩”
  • “Love is love!💝” (specifically on str8 couples’ pictures)
  • “OMG bestie you NEED to model!!! I just saw an Arby’s casting call you’d be perfect for😊”
  • “You look sooooo good🤩I totally didn’t recognize you until I saw the username”

If the post isn’t archived within the hour, you haven’t done your job.

Go to nursing school

Listen, I can sit here and continue to give you tips, but if you want to be the best, you’ve got to learn from the best. Every year, hundreds of thousands of former high school mean girls flock to nursing schools across the country, and you can join them! Study nursing AND learn how to gaslight, gatekeep, and girlboss. Now that’s what I call a dual-degree program!

With that, I encourage you to get out there and test out these tactics. Good luck, bestie!