A Photo of Morrison and Ieriub’hxal from Last Saturday.

Freshman Haunted by Demon Stupidly More Worried about Making Friends

Freshman Jeremy Morrison reported recently that he was feeling “very nervous,” but foolishly because he feared he “wouldn’t fit in at college,” and not because of the ancient and maleficent being Ieriub’hxal that has haunted him since a rather unfortunate visit to Madam Beelzebub’s Antique Shop and Hotdog Shack back in 2011.
“I don’t know, being on a freshman floor is just so intimidating!” said Morrison, his voice notably cracking at the thought of impressing mere mortal humans, rather than the soul crushing dread of Ieriub’hxal, an entity who’s terror stopped the hearts of Assyrian men, who lurked just feet behind Morrison, his twisted, sulfur finger carving the mark of the beast into the dorm room wall. “What if [the other students] don’t like me,” Morrison added.
Reports indicate Morrison sat in his room for nearly an hour plotting a “casual” trip down the hall to “run into” a floormate, stupidly ignoring a chance to “high-key” consult the Catholic Student Center’s exorcist division, whose priests may stand a chance against the primal, otherworldly evil channeled into this dimension through the entity known as Ieriub’hxal. Also on Morrison’s mind was the night’s floor meeting, and who he would sit next to, but not the way the setting sun only strengthened Ieriub’hxal’s power to control the shadows, and sharpened his spiny, goblin teeth.
When asked for comment via Ouija board, Ieriub’hxal reportedly responded with a blood-curtling, inhuman scream that shattered glass and made rodents and insects scurry from the walls before dropping dead in droves, which expert demonologists interpreted as meaning approximately, “This Jeremy kid is such a tool, no wonder none of these little punks like him. But fuck me if I’m not the biggest chump of them all for following this shit-stain around for five years now. God I hate myself.”