The University-hosted Open Discussion for Democracy and Disagreement took an unexpected turn September 14th when it suddenly ended in a fatal stabbing. The incident stemmed from a disagreement between freshman Austin Wilson and junior Lauryn Saunders-Brownstein.
“Austin was totally out of control,” claimed a witness who refuses to label herself with an oppressive human name. “He had the audacity to mansplain to Lauryn that thought it was inappropriate when she showed up to the meeting naked and on fire.” Sources indicate that Saunders-Brownstein, who self-identifies as a forest fire, then called for Wilson to check his privilege as a cis-life-form-white-male, but he failed to do so. In a beautiful display of fiery might, Saunders-Brownstein then tacked Wilson to the ground, pulled out a butcher’s knife, and stabbed him for each microaggression that had occurred throughout the discussion.
Paramedics quickly arrived on the scene to tend to those affected by Wilson’s failure to check his privilege. Medical reports indicate that the paramedics were lucky to get there as quickly as they did, and none of Wilson’s victims sustained any permanent emotional damage.
In a University-wide email, Chancellor Wrighton wrote, “It is my sincere hope that this campus never again is faced with the misfortune of having one of our students presented with an opinion with which they disagree. If there is any solace to this tragedy, it’s that a member of our student body had the courage to stand up and make the campus a safer place by stabbing another student 47 times in the chest.”