Arriving in style to his primetime debut, Alex Jones entered the Sunday Night with Megyn Kelly studio dressed in a dapper tin foil double-lapel and slacks. “I bought this for inauguration day,” Jones declared proudly, noting that he couldn’t attend due to cellphones at the venue. The Reynolds Wrap suit ...
Read More »First Year Center Selects Communist Manifesto For Summer Book Program
Surprising many, First Year Chancellor Harry Pollack announced this past Friday that “Manifesto of the Communist Party” by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels will be the subject for the annual freshmen summer book program. “Our goal for the freshmen summer book program is to expose students to new and potentially ...
Read More »Couple Hooking Up for Three Months Takes Relationship to Next Level, Get Coffee
After four months of avoiding eye contact on campus and at least biweekly “you up” texts, sophomore Rachel Levin and junior Richard Weissman have reached a comfort level in their relationship that may finally allow for cordial conversation during daylight hours. The duo, who met through a mutual friend during ...
Read More »Google to Acquire France for $1.65 Trillion
Google announced this afternoon that it would buy France, the popular European country, for stock that it valued at $1.65 Trillion. Google beat out a number of other France suitors, including the United Kingdom, Germany, and Elon Musk. By once again successfully negotiating the deal, Google has once again proved ...
Read More »Freshman Recognized After Taking Service Trip to Traditional Dorm
Calling it an “act of compassion,” Vice Chancellor Holden Thorp commemorated freshman Taylor Wong for her service trip to a traditional dorm at a school-wide ceremony this past Friday. “Taylor’s courageousness and bravery to visit a place that is in such need of help ought to inspire all of us,” ...
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