Thinking about nuts, or something much more sinister?
Thinking about nuts, or something much more sinister?

Squirrel Planning Something

Concerns over the suspicious behavior of a campus squirrel have led to the formation of Wash U’s newest student group, “TSIPS” (That Squirrel Is Planning Something). In an exclusive interview, club president Michael Kraus revealed that “We don’t know what exactly this squirrel is up to, but we have some theories. What we do know: it’s not good.”

Kraus says he founded the club after having “one too many shady encounters with a particular squirrel on the Danforth Campus.” He notes that this squirrel can easily be identified by a trained observer.

“This fishy little guy has a bushy tail, but bushier than most squirrel tails. Suspiciously bushy. He has beady little scheming eyes and his paws are always deviously clasped together. He’s very obviously planning something, and he never runs off unless you get very close to him. It’s as if he’s taunting us. This little motherfucker thinks there’s nothing we can do to foil whatever sick, twisted plot he’s got in the works. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this has something to do with Wrighton resigning.”

But Kraus and TSIPS aren’t giving up. The individual in question is widely believed to inhabit one of the Danforth Campus’s many waste receptacles, and TSIPS has set traps in every trash can on campus. Natasha Reilly, a TSIPS member and engineering student, is in the process of designing a sustainable squirrel trap that can be planted in recycling cans.

“That’s been our biggest roadblock so far,” she says. “The Sustainability Office won’t let us put the original traps in the recycling cans because they include No.6 plastics. If you ask me, they’ve probably got a stake in this, too. That squirrel has got everyone here wrapped around his little finger, from maintenance workers to the fucking Chancellor. This goes all the way to the top.”

What exactly will be done if the squirrel is captured is still unclear, but Kraus says the actions will be severe. He says the squirrel “almost certainly” has ties to big oil and gas companies and the St. Louis political elite.

“My theory is that Wrighton was going soft, deviating from what was agreed upon. If we don’t act fast, mozz sticks are gone again. Pell Grants, sayonara. This is what’s on the line.”