“One inch closer to the ceiling, one mile closer to the Lord, and one light year closer to losing my virginity,” said sophomore Jack Simons, when asked to describe his new existence. After standing back-to-back with a known 6-footer yesterday in the Village stir-fry line, Simons realized that he, too, had attained that…

In a bold new ad campaign, the Funyuns™ twitter account is pretending to be operated by a captured and coerced Brendan Fraser, the Hollywood star best known for his roles in the Mummy franchise. Coming in the wake of several other bizarre Twitter marketing campaigns from brands attempting to appeal to the absurd,…

After 22 years of denying interviews to reporters, the special effects coordinator on the set of The Mummy finally agreed to give us an insight into the wonders of The Mummy universe—and why he quit during the shooting of the second movie.  “Brendan Fraser was a method actor, you see,” special effects coordinator…

Is there someone in your life who you desperately want to get rid of? Someone you wish would just disappear? Look no further: here are several girl-illa warfare tactics I’ve learned throughout my life that are sure to make that person never contact you again. Invite them to join your MLM H- He-…

They do not know I exist. They do not know I’ve been present during their zoom meetings. I cannot disclose exactly how I’ve been able to infiltrate their sect lest I be compromised. However, it may involve two paper cups, one placed near the computer of a satirist, the other held over my…