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Freshman Jeremy Morrison reported recently that he was feeling “very nervous,” but foolishly because he feared he “wouldn’t fit in at college,” and not because of the ancient and maleficent being Ieriub’hxal that has haunted him since a rather unfortunate visit to Madam Beelzebub’s Antique Shop and Hotdog Shack back ...

As the semester kicks into high gear for many Washington University students, freshman Samantha Kline has an exciting new job– a fully tenured position as a professor of physics. Last Monday morning, while trying to withdraw from his introduction to Physics class, Kline pushed the wrong button and instead became ...

Noting a disturbing rise in the number of boo-boo diagnoses made by SHS this month, EST officials warned that the group may not have a large enough supply of kissies to treat the growing outbreak among students. While September is known as peak season for ouchies and oopsies as new ...

Tuesday morning, while walking backwards past the Women’s Building, volunteer tour guide Samantha Engles was overheard assuring parents of the total safety of the campus while trying to keep a straight face. “Don’t worry, the areas to the west, south, and east of campus are completely safe,” Engles barely managed ...

After the April 14th walkout in support of adjunct professors was cancelled due to an agreement between the administration and employees, social justice warrior Bryan Bergson is now searching for additional reasons to boycott class. “What happened on this campus on April 14th was an outrage,” claimed Bergson. “As student ...