Open Discussion for Democracy and Disagreement Ends in Fatal Stabbing

Police intervention was needed after the discussion rapidly escalated.

The University-hosted Open Discussion for Democracy and Disagreement took an unexpected turn September 14th when it suddenly ended in a fatal stabbing. The incident stemmed from a disagreement between freshman Austin Wilson and junior Lauryn Saunders-Brownstein. “Austin was totally out of control,” claimed a witness who refuses to label herself ...

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Unfazed by Debate Rejection, Johnson Forges Ahead in Campaign

Johnson exclaimed, “If you don’t
appreciate 'The Tonight Dough'
then you’re a fucking psycho.”

As the University prepares itself for the upcoming presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, an increased sense of excitement can be felt throughout campus. Less excited, however, is Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson, who failed to gain the 15% support in national polls needed to be invited to ...

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Freshman Haunted by Demon Stupidly More Worried about Making Friends

A Photo of Morrison and Ieriub’hxal from Last Saturday.

Freshman Jeremy Morrison reported recently that he was feeling “very nervous,” but foolishly because he feared he “wouldn’t fit in at college,” and not because of the ancient and maleficent being Ieriub’hxal that has haunted him since a rather unfortunate visit to Madam Beelzebub’s Antique Shop and Hotdog Shack back ...

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Social Justice Warrior Searching For More Reasons to Boycott Class

Bergson and his fellow warriors making a difference in their attendance records.

After the April 14th walkout in support of adjunct professors was cancelled due to an agreement between the administration and employees, social justice warrior Bryan Bergson is now searching for additional reasons to boycott class. “What happened on this campus on April 14th was an outrage,” claimed Bergson. “As student ...

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Grandparents Already Saving Seats for Graduation

They also plan on napping through graduation.

With three weeks still remaining before graduation, reports from Brookings Quad indicate that the first sets of grandparents have already arrived to save front-row seats for the ceremony. Their numbers vary as many come and go from the Quad to make frequent trips to the Holmes Lounge soup bar, but ...

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RA Agrees to Let Resident Keep Prefrosh as Pet

Prefroshpet2

After hours of begging, freshman Alan Block finally got permission from his RA to keep his prefrosh as a pet, so long as he promises to feed him and walk him and love him forever and ever. “The little guy just showed up outside my door last week, and we ...

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Cum Trees Preventing Campus from Being Safe Space

You can practically smell the patriarchy from here.

The cum trees — or “jizz trees” as they are colloquially known — of Washington University have recently come under fire for infringing on the campus’s status as a safe space. Students have argued that the trees are olfactorily offensive and help promote white masculine ideals. “I don’t like being ...

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