Gas is $5. It’s impossible to buy a home. Inflation this. Recession that. Something about the Dow? For months, economists have been scratching their heads trying to figure out the reason for America’s economic woes. Finally, the root cause has been determined: the Invisible Hand is broken.
For centuries, the Invisible Hand guided us through the obstacles of capitalism, but after a recent run-in with an invisible wood chipper, the five-fingered foe has called it kaput.
“The doc says it’s just a stress fracture,” the Invisible Hand said. “Running the economy is a lot of work, and I know things look kinda bad right now, but don’t worry. This won’t be anything like ‘08.”
Since the news of the Invisible Hand’s incapacitation broke, undergraduate business programs across the country have scrambled to explain the issue, even though it’s pretty simple. “We had to restructure our entire syllabus,” Busty Dragon, Management 100 Teaching Assistant at the Olin School said. “We had the students play Operation in class to illustrate the anatomy, but they still couldn’t wrap their heads around it. I’m just bracing myself for the unit on the Prisoner’s Dilemma.”
The break comes at a horrible time during the job search. “How am I supposed to use Handshake now?” the Invisible Hand said with exasperation.
Due to the Invisible Hand’s exit from the spotlight, other notable limbs have jumped at the opportunity. “This is my time to shine,” the Hamburger Helper Hand said. “Invisible shmivisible. That guy is such an attention whore. It’s about time us other hands got some recognition.”
Even below-the-waist parts are joining in on the fanfare. “They said I wasn’t suited to run capitalism,” Achilles’ heel said. “Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now.”
Adam Smith was not available for comment (actually, fuck him).