Five Steps to the Perfect Mid-Autumn Tan

Don't let the autumn chill get in the way of your sun-kissed glow.

1. Exfoliate Prior to tanning, exfoliating with a loofah or scrubber helps to get rid of the top layer of dead skin. This allows your tan to develop on the fresh new skin that was underneath, lengthening the duration of your tan! The following link will provide the steps you ...

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Members of Mystery Inc. Charged with Trespassing, Aggravated Assault

"I spoke to the IRS, Mr. Jones. No records."

Investigations into Mystery Inc. concluded on Monday morning, with prosecutors leveling charges against several of the firm’s employees for trespassing and felony assault. The vigilante organization, founded by Fred Jones Jr., first generated public scrutiny after hospitalizing area theater director Michael Davensport with a series of improvised “Scooby trap” devices. ...

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Internet Usage on South 40 Breaks Record During Fall Break

In a surprising statement, the Washington University Director of Technology announced that Fall Break defied all typical trends with a massive spike in Internet usage. The statement theorized that since the four-day weekend allowed many students to leave St. Louis, many roommates were freed of the restrictions of a shared ...

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Boy Scouts Expanding Into New, Weirdly Niche Groups

Applebees Scouts prepare for their annual pilgrimage to Applebees.

The Boy Scouts of America recently announced their decision to accept girls, raising concerns over the future of partner organization Girl Scouts of America. “In response to changing definitions of gender identities, we think it would be best to focus on the interests of our creative, socially lethargic young scouts,” ...

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White House Expels Steve Bannon by Chanting Name Three Times

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According to sources, the spirit of chief strategist Steven Bannon was forcibly expelled from the White House on Friday after staffers recited an incantation purging the West Wing of Mr. Bannon’s ghost. “There was just this horrible screeching,” remarked one advisor witness to Mr. Bannon’s expulsion. Bannon, a seventh century ...

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Scaramucci Confident Wife is Actually Reince Preibus

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Extended family members of Anthony Scaramucci cited a growing concern on Friday over the New York businessman’s latest obsession: claiming that spouse, Deidre Scaramucci, is in fact his political rival Reince Preibus. “You would think he’d cut the bullshit after I got him canned but no! Now he’s in my ...

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New White House Intern Looks Suspiciously Like Robert Mueller

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According to local reports, White House staffers voiced concerns on Tuesday regarding a controversial addition to the West Wing: a secretarial intern who bears a striking resemblance to Special Council Robert Mueller. The intern, seventy-two-year old Mobert Bueller, undoubtedly shares many of the investigator’s physical traits; from his trademark crow’s ...

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CNN Stenographer Goes Rogue During Sessions Hearing

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Media analysts were baffled on Tuesday afternoon when scripts provided by CNN stenographer Dana Schumacher diverged from statements made by Attorney General Jeff Sessions in his much-anticipated appearance before the Senate Intelligence Committee. As Sessions answered questions from committee members on Russian electoral interference, a transcript broadcast live on CNN ...

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