Advice from Mary Rose

Good day readers! Our first question today comes from Connie Lingus, hailing from Long Island, NY. She asks: “Dear Mary Rose, I have developed feelings for the shape-shifting demon that lives under my bed. What should I do? Sincerely, Connie” Hi Connie. Thank you for your question and being so ...

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CDC Officials Tell People to Panic, Absolutely Panic

WASHINGTON D.C. — At an unplanned press conference on Friday, CDC Director Robert Redfield informed Americans that right now the most constructive thing to do in response to the Coronavirus is panic, absolutely panic. Sweating and panting uncontrollably, the visibly frightened CDC Director told Americans to just “freak the fuck ...

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Commencement Postponed Until Afterlife

ST. LOUIS—In a recent address to the Class of 2020, Chancellor Martin somberly announced that Washington University has made the difficult decision to postpone commencement until the afterlife. “It is with a heavy heart that I share with you that due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a graduation ceremony will not ...

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Andrew Martin Surprisingly Jacked

The following op-ed was submitted by a guest writer who has chosen to remain anonymous. He has asked WUnderground staff to list him under the pen name “‘Mandrew Artin’, or some shit like that.” Guys, you might not believe this, but Chancellor Andrew Martin? Surprisingly jacked. Yeah. I saw him ...

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Op-ed: That’s It, Liberals

That’s it, liberals. I’ve simply had enough. You’ve crossed the line. I am indignant. You’ve always been pushing it with your politics….everyday I’ve had to hear this and that about you and your “progressivism,” but I just won’t stand for it anymore. I am simply furious. I am writing this, ...

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