Six weeks into his college career, Freshman Matt Blake’s sex life has failed to live up to his expectations. Despite the popular media’s depiction of college as a time for wild parties and unrestrained sexual deviance, Blake says that his experience has been overwhelmingly disappointing.
“Where are the tits?” a distraught Blake asked while flipping through flash cards depicting various molecular structures. “My first day here I stocked up on a bunch of those free res-life condoms, but the only time I’ve ever used one was to masturbate when I’d run out of tissues.”
Like other sexually desperate freshman males, Blake has been going above and beyond normal male behavior to try and boost his sex appeal. According to his roommates, Blake has been spotted vacuuming, washing his sheets, and ossing. “I even started using conditioner!” he added.
“I’ve had four different girls over to watch tv with me. I even paid for an Ibby’s dinner with my meal points and then watched The Notebook with this one chick!” Blake lamented. “Each time the excuse was the same: ‘Sorry, my roommate needs help with something, I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Fuck that and fuck her—we both know that I won’t.”
Fortunately for Blake, there is some hope. As Newton’s 4th law states, one girl in every class will achieve infamy for being that one chick who gets plowed harder than a Chinese rice field. And Mandy Gilligan, this year’s super slut, says she is willing to put out. “I’ll get to Blake eventually, he just needs to get in line and take a deli number before he can get a slice of these roast beef curtains,” she explained.
Until then, Blake says he’ll just have to explore other aspects of the college experience Wash U might have to offer, like going to wild football tailgates or sneaking into sorority houses.