Jefferson Hezekiah smiling for his picture.

Area Bigot Struggles to Decide Between Mormon and Black Man in 2012 Election

Faced by what he is calling “the most unfortunate display of options since the NBA Finals,” area bigot Jefferson Hezekiah admits that he is struggling to choose between presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.

“The decision was so much easier during the last election,” Hezekiah explained. “Sure, it was pretty difficult to watch a woman run for vice president. But when you compared Obama to McCain, it was very black and white.”

Hezekiah says the decision is far more complicated now that Obama is running against a Mormon. “Now I have to ask myself, ‘Do I want the youth of America to start growing up with five moms and one dad, or one mom and no dads?’” he explained as tobacco drizzled down his chin. “What happened to the America where children were raised by their own mother and father, 1 male and 1 female, and where every kid had close to a fifty percent chance of not watching his or her parents divorce?” Hezekiah continued.

“Well, my Aunt raised me after my mom ran away with a bible salesman and my dad had an affair with his sister, but at least we knew how to worship the lord Jesus Christ without relying on any weird cultish crap or gospel nonsense.”

At the very least, Hezekiah admits he is happy with Romney’s selection of running mate Paul Ryan. “For a minute I thought he was going to pick that Marco Rubio feller,” Hezekiah explained. “This country don’t need no Mexicans in the White House.”