In light of high unemployment, a tax system in disarray, and widespread financial instability, senior Jake Jacobs has come out of the closet to profess his allegiance to the GOP.
“I’ve always felt a little different from my peers,” Jacobs admitted. “I remember when I was ten years old watching Jonathan Robson climb the rope in gym class. Everybody else was cheering him on, but as I stared at the graceful motion of his warrior-like arms and rock hard buttocks, a strange and tingly sensation came over me. Although I didn’t fully realize it at the time, I knew then that the cheers of our classmates were useless. Only through individual agency and perseverance would he ever reach the top.”
Like many of his Republican peers, Jacobs says that coming out to his parents was especially difficult. “At first my dad didn’t take it too well,” Jacobs explained. “He called me an embarrassment and an abomination, and he said that if he and Mom had known I’d turn out this messed up, they would have had that twentieth abortion. They’re just too liberal to understand.”
Jacobs’ confession has come as a quite a surprise to many in the WashU community who remember him for his charitable dedication to Habitat for Humanity, his tolerant and caring nature, and for not being a total dumbass.
“Am I shocked? Damn straight, I’m shocked,” explained Jacobs’s close friend Max Wilkins. “I mean, I guess I should have suspected something when he started eating grits, reading the Bible, and listening to country music. And then there was the time I offered to pay for his share of the cab and his eyes got wide, his pupils were kind of shaky, and he yelled something like ‘I don’t need your lousy wealth transfers, you misguided communist pig!’ Or some shit like that. But, yeah, otherwise I thought he was a straight-shooter.”
University psychologist Phyllis Jones has offered her explanation for this phenomenon. “It’s not uncommon for these young, closet-Republicans to spend long periods of time in denial,” she said. “We often see them joining liberal-minded student groups and even bully- ing other Republicans in an effort to t in with their peers. But it’s as if a demon persists within them, whispering the seductive song of the GOP and pulling them away from progressive, enlightened politics.”
The decision to come out GOP also has significant implications for students’ social lives. “Yeah, I’m not hanging out with Jacobs anymore,” admitted former friend Dylan Parker. “I don’t care if you’re black, white, gay, straight, Hindu, Buddhist, skinny, or fat. Hell, you could even be an Islamic extremist and I’d be willing to attribute our differences to my own cultural ignorance and sing Kumbaya. But Republicans can go fuck themselves.”
Given such animosity toward conservative students, many fear an increase in campus violence as the number of openly Republican students continues to grow. When asked what efforts WashU might be planning to protect the welfare of these GOP students, WUPD police chief Dom Strom stated, “Hey, I’m a blue collar guy with two kids at home. A little bit of guerilla warfare on campus never hurt nobody—especially if it helps keep Obama in office. Plus, the union protects me against these shenanigans, and I think the government will still pay me me if I take the next couple weeks off.”