The Washington University Board of Directors announced today that it has unanimously voted to relieve Mark S. Wrighton of his duties as Chancellor. The announcement comes after allegations surfaced that the former Chancellor lied about inventing the glow stick on his resume.
“I am extremely disappointed by these recent findings,” said Board Chairman Stephen F. Brauer. “During Mr. Wrighton’s tenure, the university has seen the annual number of freshman applicants double. And while the former Chancellor revamped the curriculum, oversaw the construction of over thirty new buildings, and added more than 190 endowed professorships, it is clear that the tremendous rise in the university’s reputation is due to the fact that everybody thought he had created the glow stick. That’s why we make sure to mention it every year at Convocation.”
“The glow stick is almost certainly the greatest invention of the modern era,” added physics professor Alan Steinberg. “What other device can function so effectively as both a source of illumination and a party favor? I came here because that was the type of cutting-edge research I wanted to get involved with.”
When confronted about the allegations, a visibly shaken Wrighton confessed to the lie. “I remember looking around the waiting room and seeing all the other candidates for the position,” he explained. “There was the CEO of Anheuser- Busch, the Former Missouri governor Bob Holden, and even actor Will Smith. How was I supposed to compete with the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I was still rolling-face from Wrighton addressing the school following allegations of Glow Stick fraud Day Glow the night before, and I just had the idea to lie about inventing glow sticks. I’m deeply, deeply , sorry.”
The university has already announced a highly qualified list of replacement candidates, including the creator of Tamagatchi, the inventor of Snap Braclets, and the genius behind the Chia Pet.