Answering the phone is one of Richardson’s many important responsibilities at his prestigious new job

Career Center Finally Helps First Student Find Job

In an unprecedented turn of events, the Washington University Career Center announced that it has finally helped a graduating senior land a job. The announcement came in the form of a 3:00 am Record email, in which Career Center Director Mark Smith was quoted saying, “We’re pleased to announce that senior Matt Richardson has received and accepted a formal job offer. With our help, the Biomedical Engineering and Economics Major, who is also receiving a minor in Applied Statistics and speaks fluent Mandarin, was able to find a position working at the front desk, right here at the Career Center.”

According to industry experts, the coveted front desk position opened up last month when the previous receptionist took maternity leave. Thanks to the Career Center’s vast network of connections and wealth of insider knowledge, Richardson was able to get a leg up on the competition.

“The best way to prepare for the interview is with practice and role-playing,” explained Christy Vaeth, Richardson’s personal Career Center advisor. “I helped Matt prepare for the interview by telling him, ‘Okay, now pretend I’m with the Career Center and I’m interviewing you.’ The practice clearly paid off when I interviewed him the following week.”

Yet despite the recent success, many students remain pessimistic. “We’re all screwed,” lamented junior Clayton Wachter as he finished shotgunning a can of Natty. “I actually went inside the Career Center once to take a piss, so I’ve seen the place firsthand, and while I was there I heard them tell a kid he needed to take initiative and create a resume for himself be- fore they could help him. Create your own resume? Who has time for that? They might as well rename the place the ‘Fuck it, I’ll go to grad school’s Center.”

Now that he is on the staff, Richardson hopes to continue the Career Center’s run of success by helping himself find a second job so that he can pay off his student loan debts and still eat enough food to survive.