WUnderground – Page 43 – WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004

Economists Announce that We’d be at Full Employment Right Now if it Weren’t for Lazy Fucks like You

11

Dec

Economists Announce that We’d be at Full Employment Right Now if it Weren’t for Lazy Fucks like You

The MIT Economics Department released a study last week that they wrote for broad public consumption. Department Chair Lucas Gooch explained that his department is “trying to send a message that ordinary people can understand, because it’s little nudges like this that can change the world.” The study, titled “Hey Derrick, Try Working…

WashU to Require Security Guards for Registered Dorm Parties

27

Sep

WashU to Require Security Guards for Registered Dorm Parties

Citing changes to social policy, the Office of Residential Life will require hired security for registered dorm parties, effective October 2018. Former campus policies had permitted students to host personal social events, provided their RAs didn’t give a shit. According to new policy, security aides will be responsible for checking student IDs, and…

Austin Sweeney “Horrified” at Terrible Alcohol Policy He Wrote When Blackout Drunk

26

Sep

Austin Sweeney “Horrified” at Terrible Alcohol Policy He Wrote When Blackout Drunk

CLAYTON, MO - Scrolling through his texts from the previous night with a mounting sense of dread, Assistant Director of Greek Life Austin Sweeney was forced to confront the fact that he had made a terrible mistake; last night’s bender had resulted in ugly and potentially long-lasting consequences. “This new alcohol policy is…

Med Students Discover Rare Pathogen Amongst StudLife Staffers

24

Sep

Med Students Discover Rare Pathogen Amongst StudLife Staffers

In a stunning discovery, WashU medical students identified a rare pathogen on Friday known to be wreaking havoc among the Student Life publication staff. Coined “bad journalism” by sophomore Trevor Dietrich, the rare phenomenon continues to spread amongst members of the paper’s roster and shows no signs of stopping. “The disease stems from…

Leading Together Campaign Raises Historic $3.378 Billion Dollars to be Buried in Underground Vault, Never to See the Light of Day

04

Sep

Leading Together Campaign Raises Historic $3.378 Billion Dollars to be Buried in Underground Vault, Never to See the Light of Day

Washington University’s Leading Together fundraising campaign concluded on June 30th, far exceeding expectations by soliciting over $3.378 billion in gifts and commitments to be promptly locked in a vault and buried far beneath the surface of the earth. In an August 30th email to the Washington University community, Chancellor Mark Wrighton expressed his…