Op-Ed by a Male Feminist
By Geoff Caulfield I am a male feminist. Think it’s funny? Go ahead, laugh. But while you’re laughing, just know that I am brave and I am strong. Strong enough to use two women as weights and bench press them. I am a male feminist and this is what I ...
Read More »WUnderground’s Resident Philosophy Asshat Presents: The Loop Trolley Problem
For the purposes of this example, I have bracketed a distinction between positive and negative action because I’m not some sort of Kantian dipshit. You are the conductor of the Loop Trolley, and it’s happened again. A man has stumbled onto the tracks ahead of you, thrusting you into an ...
Read More »Community Living Standards Erased From Common Room Whiteboard
8 AM. Wednesday. A crowd of freshmen stand in the Rutledge common room, staring at the expo residue on their whiteboard where the Community Living Standards had once been. Scared. Confused. Perhaps, I sense, almost excited? Would we be able to live together in peace and harmony without law, but ...
Read More »We Killed the Easter Bunny, Here’s How
This fucker wasn’t easy. When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. When life hands you fifty pounds of fireworks, 320 carrots and more chocolate than Augustus Gloop could handle, you do the only sensible thing and kill that hopping rabbit motherfucker. About all these supplies – let’s just say ...
Read More »Struggling Democratic Candidates Merge into One Megazord Candidate, Still Polling at <1%
In an attempt to qualify for the third democratic debate, set to air on September 12th on ABC, ten struggling democratic candidates have combined forces by merging into one super-candidate, an amorphous blob reportedly weighing 1,500 pounds. The super-candidate, which formerly inhabited the individual bodies of Kirsten Gillibrand, Tom Steyer, ...
Read More »St. Louis MLS Team Somehow Relegated to DIII
Heartbreak has already befallen St. Louis’s newly-awarded Major League Soccer team before their first season has even begun. The team, which has yet to be named, has somehow already been relegated to Division III of the NCAA. The announcement has raised concerns and confusion, considering the MLS operates outside of ...
Read More »Inspiring: This Social Justice Warrior Could Save Us All
ST. LOUIS, MO—Washington University Student and proud Chaco wearer Harley Jensen might be the hero this crumbling planet needs. “Harley works tirelessly to redeem our vice-ridden society,” says a source close to the subject. “From retweeting Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to posting snapshots of the Amazon’s burnt husk, she fights to bring ...
Read More »Ad Council Debuts Reverse Psychology Anti-Smoking Campaign
In an innovative marketing move, the Ad Council debuted a series of PSA’s last week using reverse psychology to fight teen smoking. The campaign, titled “Smoke You Pussy,” hopes to incite anti-authority reactions in the nation’s rebellious teens. Ads featured will contain images of teens portrayed as popular, attractive, and ...
Read More »Sesame Street Foreclosures Escalate Neighborhood Tensions
Hostilities reached a tipping point on Sesame Street last Thursday when yet another forced eviction drew police presence to the neighborhood. Tenant and local barber Theodore PoodleDoodle refused to vacate his property upon arrival of foreclosure agents, enlisting help from neighbors to incite a riot. Witnesses describe a standoff between ...
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