Opinion: I Have the Right to Not Wear Pants
28
Apr

Opinion: I Have the Right to Not Wear Pants

There seems to be a crisis nowadays—a pandemic, if you will—in which the individual’s responsibility to society is called into question. Whether or not you take certain actions has suddenly become indicative of a person’s character, despite the fact that these actions are in truth quite ridiculous. I am here to challenge one…
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How to Pick Up Girls on Zoom
28
Apr

How to Pick Up Girls on Zoom

Hey, freshman! Yeah bro, you right there. Way you’re walking, looks like the only thing you’ve been crushing this semester is tap water. I get it I get it, things are dry these days: no Big Daddy’s, no TKE basement, no Chem PLTL. Most of the girls in your life are trapped in…
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CDC Officials Tell People to Panic, Absolutely Panic
11
Apr

CDC Officials Tell People to Panic, Absolutely Panic

WASHINGTON D.C. — At an unplanned press conference on Friday, CDC Director Robert Redfield informed Americans that right now the most constructive thing to do in response to the Coronavirus is panic, absolutely panic. Sweating and panting uncontrollably, the visibly frightened CDC Director told Americans to just “freak the fuck out” and “let…
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Commencement Postponed Until Afterlife
31
Mar

Commencement Postponed Until Afterlife

ST. LOUIS—In a recent address to the Class of 2020, Chancellor Martin somberly announced that Washington University has made the difficult decision to postpone commencement until the afterlife. “It is with a heavy heart that I share with you that due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a graduation ceremony will not be held until…
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