Thomas Edison can suck my dick.

Things Chancellor Wrighton Invented Other Than Glow-Sticks

We all know Chancellor Wrighton invented glow-sticks back when he was at Cal-Tech, forever changing the rave scene for the better. What you might not know, however, is that the Chancellor has actually had a long string of important inventions. We’ve listed some below:

The Pill:
Here’s another from Wrighton’s Cal-Tech days. Back in the 50s Wrighton was part of a scientific team that developed the first successful combined oral contraceptive, more commonly referred to as “the pill.” So the next time you’re getting raw-dogged by your boyfriend without fear of getting pregnant, you know exactly who to thank!

Windshield Wipers:
It’s hard to imagine driving without these, but there was a time when drivers would have to pay homeless children to squat on the hoods of their cars and wipe the rain away by hand. Wrighton grew tired of paying $3/month for this service, so one afternoon he went into his garage and invented the first set of home-made windshield wipers.

The Phrase “War on Terror”:
Most people think the term was coined by President Bush in the days after 9/11. Not true! It was actually first used by Chancellor Wrighton in a 1985 speech outlining the university’s plans to counter student protests demanding the school divest from Apartheid South Africa.

Judeo-Christian Morality:
This one is a little controversial, but here’s what we know. Around 4000BC, Moses was seen leaving a closed-door meeting with Chancellor Wrighton. No one knows for sure what the two talked about, but mere hours later Moses delivered the Ten Commandments to the Israelites. More evidence? Wrighton was confirmed to have regularly used the AIM username BURN1NG_BUSH around this time. Coincidence? You decide.

Ever wonder why you always thought the Chancellor looked “slightly familiar?” We’re sorry to break it to you like this. You should probably go call your mom.