A radical fringe group widely believed to be backed by the Office of Sustainability has unleashed its most brutal campaign to date, leaving urine unflushed in men’s, women’s, and gender-neutral bathrooms all over campus. The practice, referred to as “Yellow Urinalism,” has been jointly condemned by the Student Health Services and the Office of the Chancellor, yet has taken off in recent weeks. A spokesperson for the group, known only by the alias “George P.P. Martin” said in a statement that “If this practice were adopted by the student body and endorsed by the administration, the University would save millions of gallons of water per year, which is both in its financial interest and kind to Mother Earth.” The contemptible eco-terrorist went on to claim that leveraging this “green practice” and mentioning it on tours would actually attract more applicants to the school.
The group, formally known as Green Faction, was stripped of its SU status and budget allocation two years ago after a campaign to increase bike use on campus infamously led to the deaths of three students who were looking at their phones and walking on the left side of the path during passing times. While ostensibly disbanded, the group continued operating underground, covertly recruiting at various campus events, particularly the Office of Sustainability’s annual Harvest Festival. Because of Sustainability’s failure to crack down on this subversive activity, it is generally believed that it radicalized and converted Green Faction into a proxy group following its expulsion from SU.
Green Faction first resurfaced in fall of 2017, making waves when it bought out all of the red Solo® cups at Schnuck’s and replaced them with recyclable cups that the Interfraternity Council formally denounced as “super lame” in a statement. In early February, a proclamation posted on the door of BD and entitled the “95 Pee-Pees” foreshadowed the most recent wave of eco-terrorist aggression. The revulsion over having to pee into somebody else’s pee has already spawned several reactionary groups, one of which advocates flushing the toilet twice after peeing, “just to make sure all of the pee really gets washed down.” Less radical is the common concern that if Green Faction is not reined in before Spring WILD, Boxed Water may take an even more insidious shape. Students all over campus are hoping it doesn’t come to that point.