Most of members of Sigma Chi joined for one thing and one thing only: philanthropy. The brothers want to make the world a better place through their good deeds. “It’s like I’ve always said,” explained Carson McDaniels, a current pledge of the fraternity, “it’s more about what you give than what you receive, bruh.”
To put this mantra into action, the brothers of Sigma Chi (popularly known as “Macho”) recently spent the weekend distributing alcoholic beverages to needy students — students who may not have had a drink in one, possibly even two weeks.
“I’ve heard horror stories of students who have gone entire semesters without getting so drunk that they pee on public artwork and puke in their friends’ gaping mouths,” said McDaniels. “It really makes you think about how lucky you are.”
Many of these students don’t even have the resources to get tipsy without the help of a local frat. A recent Pew study found that only 24.7 percent of WashU students have fake IDs, well below the national average.
Cornell McFlannels, another brother, adopted more politically charged rhetoric: “This is about serving the disenfranchised. It’s about helping the marginalized populations of the world who haven’t had a voice because they’ve been too sober to belligerently yell at complete strangers. We want those who have been dealt a shit hand to get shit faced!”
“I am wooooooooooke,” screamed McDaniels, now completely nude, covered with doodled penises from head to toe, standing on the roof of the frat-house.
Macho says it has distributed over 100 gallons of jungle juice to needy students this month alone, making it the most productive charitable organization on campus. Other fraternities are following its lead, joining in the giving spirit. The brothers of Sigma Nu (“Smoo” for short) are promoting safe sex, distributing condoms to girls who show a willingness to sleep with them. ZBT has now issued “bumps” of cocaine to over twenty “chill dudes.” And the brothers of AEPi, in a display of great charity and fraternal spirit, have offered to pay for each other’s legal counsel.