The conversation about this Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony was flooded with drama this week when Best Actor nominee Daniel Day-Lewis revealed that he never was a talented actor at all, but has rather been method-acting as one. Known for his intense commitment to roles, the Lincoln star will often live as a character for months at a time. This past Sunday, a week before the 90th Oscars, Daniel Day-Lewis unzipped his skin during an interview to reveal an identical, slightly less talented Daniel Day-Lewis.
“I would like to express my deepest regret that I’ve lied for so long,” said Day-Lewis, “but I’m having trouble conveying the depth of this sentiment because I can no longer act as well.” The three-time Best Actor recipient then launched into a horrible Abraham Lincoln impression while simultaneously misquoting There Will Be Blood, another of his award-winning films. Day-Lewis revealed in the interview that the past 40 years have been in preparation for an upcoming Daniel Day-Lewis biopic based on his life, in which he will portray the exponentially more talented version of himself, who has decades of formal training and acting experience behind him. However, Day-Lewis’s announcement regarding his lack of talent has already spurred talks of a re-cast, especially speculation about Mark Ruffalo filling the role.
“Actually, my nocturnal evil twin is a much more talented actor,” added Day-Lewis. “Look him up on IMDB: Daniel Night-Lewis. He’s my stunt double for scenes that take place at night. Sure, he’s evil, but he was a really big help on the set of The Age of Innocence when the night scenes were particularly hard on my moon allergy.”
Daniel Night-Lewis should not to be confused with Daniel Knight-Lewis, a Game of Thrones extra who is the third-eldest brother in the family, nor Daniel Kite-Lewis, who shares no relation, but can fly a mean kite.
Day-Lewis, Night-Lewis, and Knight-Lewis credit their friendly homosexual dog, Spaniel Gay-Lewis, for their extended thespian success. Other inspirations of theirs include Midwestern Christian patron Daniel Saint-Louis, who reportedly guided them through a strictly religious childhood.
With the implication that Day-Lewis will retire from cinema following this revelation, many have wondered if he would pursue theatre in his retirement. However, Day-Lewis has insisted that he would not want to take attention away from up-and-coming Broadway performer Daniel Play-Lewis.
Rather than going to the post-Oscar party, the Day-Lewis acting troupe has decided that they will hold a family reunion, henceforth to be known as “Day-Lewis Day.” Day-Lewis was unavailable for comment about this decision, as he was preoccupied working as an administrator at a travel insurance company, which has been his actual career for nearly four decades.