Roommate Also Excited to Stop Living With You

According to sources close to your roommate, they are just as excited to stop living with you as you are to stop living with them. The same sources also confirmed that you are incorrect to believe that your roommate still likes you even though you complain about them to anyone who listens.

Although you often complain about how much you hate your roommate’s idiosyncratic sleeping habits and the frequency with which they sexile you, they hate you just as much for your habit of frequently complaining about them. Honestly, it’s shocking that you think your roommate still likes you.

I mean, why would they? Last semester, you got drunk and peed all over their desk. I know you thought no one would find out, but it was 1 PM. Your roommate was on their way back from the library and got to your room just after you passed out in a pile of your own filth. You also texted your roommate, “Peed om yout dess lol,” which blew your cover.

Even then, your roommate forgave you. But they changed their mind a month ago when you drunkenly doused their bed in what you thought was gasoline and tried to light it on fire with them in it. Luckily for everyone involved, BD does not sell gasoline and you have no idea how to use matches. After that, everyone on your floor agreed that you are the worse roommate out of the two of you.

At press time, your roommate confirmed that they don’t hate you, but they are a bit worried about the crossbow under your bed.