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In an unprecedented turn of events, the Washington University Career Center announced that it has finally helped a graduating senior land a job. The announcement came in the form of a 3:00 am Record email, in which Career Center Director Mark Smith was quoted saying, “We’re pleased to announce that ...

In light of high unemployment, a tax system in disarray, and widespread financial instability, senior Jake Jacobs has come out of the closet to profess his allegiance to the GOP. “I’ve always felt a little different from my peers,” Jacobs admitted. “I remember when I was ten years old watching ...

Faced by what he is calling “the most unfortunate display of options since the NBA Finals,” area bigot Jefferson Hezekiah admits that he is struggling to choose between presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. “The decision was so much easier during the last election,” Hezekiah explained. “Sure, it was ...

In response to a series of complaints from parents, college students, and reformed pedophiles, Facebook announced last Thursday that it would be rolling out a new “You’re Being Creepy as Fuck” notification system. The new feature will display a warning message to alert users when the photos they are stalking ...

10. Farting in the library 9. Being caught masturbating by your roommate 8. Asking how strong the punch is at a party 7. Believing the guy who tells you it isn’t that strong 6. Asking why the frat house soda is sticky 5. Taking ALL the free condoms from your hallway cause you’re “totally gunna ...