Op-Ed: We Should Let Biden Take Bribes

Joseph R. Biden is the most bribeable man alive, and the fact that we don’t let him fulfill that destiny is a travesty. Think about it: the man has the light senility and good heart (figuratively) of a horse out to pasture, and the fact that we don’t allow him to be gifted acres of ranch land to turn into oil fields is heartbreaking. Possibly literally. We should take these measures in order to preserve his health, if for no other reason. 

True, it is a fundamental principle of American democracy that we not let our politicians use their positions to line their own pockets. It is here that the opposition’s argument descends into absurdity. As we all know, Biden’s pockets are already fully lined with notes reminding him of the names of his grandchildren, subordinates, and himself. 

Consider, for a moment, the Make-a-Wish kid. Out of pure human charity, we give people who are physically children and dying whatever they want, and I fail to see any reason why the same shouldn’t apply to Biden. No Make-a-Wish kids go mad with power after getting a helicopter ride or two. I would argue that Biden would experience the very same innocent joy if put in the same situation. Some would argue that Make-a-Wish children only don’t become corrupt because they don’t live long enough to. To that I would reply that, well, that principle is pretty broadly applicable. 

So, dear reader, if you agree with me and you’re also Bribin’ with Biden ®, write to your local representatives this week and tell them to vote YES on H.R. 7298, the Fuck it, Might as Well at This Point Act.