Now That’s What I Call the Absence of Music

Who knew a boy named Travis finding inspiration at an amusement park called Six Flags Astroworld in the late 90s would result in a WashU sophomore looking down at her phone and being overwhelmed with a sense of mild disappointment in 2022. A Butterfly Effect indeed.

Fall Wild has been cancelled, and thusly campus has been saved. Did you know, on average, 4 students are hospitalized each Wild? If you are unconvinced just because I made that up, I have a question. Where were you on January 6th?

“I feel bad for WUPD,” began Chancellor Martin: 

This is their Super Bowl. They get jazzed. You know how they say when you have kids, Christmas really becomes more about them? It’s like that. Nobody “wants” to get up at ass o’clock to wrap presents. Nobody “wants” to pay salary and benefits so army rejects can harass the homeless and stand in the corner of a mid concert, hand on their little radio, begging for an excuse to dial in and say, “WE GOT A BOGEY!” But honestly? The look on their faces makes it all worth it.

Look. WUPD needs this power trip. Think about it. Imagine being deranged enough to want to be a police officer and then winding up in a jurisdiction where brutality is actually frowned upon. It’d suck butt, right? This was their consolation prize; their chance to let out steam; to feel like their blue life matters. Without it? And I promise this isn’t a threat but, without it? I guess we will see. 

Professor who WashU refuses to fire, Jonathan Katz shared his thoughts as well, “I still hate gay people.”

When asked for comment on the cancelation, a WUPD representative sort of started slouching and said, “it’s fine,” but like, in a pouty way that lets you know that if you don’t push harder you will hear about it later. Like, it’s the night you’re supposed to have sex and they’ll be all, “oh now you’re interested in my feelings when your fucking dick is involved!” And you’ll be like, “ok. I want to be here for you because you seem very upset. I just want to communicate on my end that it feels like I am being blamed for being uncaring which is frustrating because I did ask and you were unresponsive” and then they will be like, “’ok’??? Do you know how fucking minimizing it is when I voice my frustration with you, and you say ‘ok’??” And you’re like, “Is that seriously all you got out of what I just said?” And then they will pop off with some bullshit about how condescending you are and how dishonest versions of y’alls arguments that make them look insane always find a way into your writing.

When pushed for further comment, the representative stated, with an incalculable amount of attitude, “i dont wanna talk about it.” The mood at the station can be described as morose.