Finals Stress Mitigated by Impending North Korean Nuclear Threat

With finals around the corner, it’s natural for college students to feel a great deal of stress around this time of year. In light of recent news and the realization that finals will be meaningless due to imminent nuclear war, upcoming exams and papers haven’t managed to have the same effect on students.

“It brings everything into perspective, really,” sophomore Emma Scott said when asked about the doomsday that will inevitably occur as a result of the feud between the US and North Korea. “I feel like I don’t need to worry about my GPA as much knowing that it’s all meaningless if Kim Jong-Un decides to hit the big red button and end life on Earth as we know it. It’s nice not having to fret over school-related stuff for once.”

The whole campus’s atmosphere seems noticeably more relaxed given the knowledge that, in a tense political climate where a single tweet at 4:30am can have irreversible ramifications and the future seems more unclear than ever, it’s important to appreciate the smaller things in life and to not let academics or day-to-day busywork bog you down.

“I actually stopped and smelled the roses on my way to the DUC this morning,” senior Chris Miller said. “I know that’s usually just a phrase, but I actually did it. It’s never crossed my mind before, but I figured – since everything I know will eventually turn into an uninhabitable radioactive wasteland – I might as well start to enjoy nature while I still can.”

Chris was later seen leaping for cover under a bench when he heard a siren, only to dust himself off and nervously chuckle when he realized it was the monthly tornado siren test.