God has been temporarily suspended from the known universe after several reports of a violent hazing incident this past weekend. Under the euphemistic guise of a “faith-building exercise,” God is alleged to have commanded Abraham, a pledge, to climb a mountain and murder his son, Isaac.
Rumors of God’s hazing activities have been swirling for eons and have included turning pledges into salt, removing pledges’ ribs, and unleashing thousands of frogs and making pledges clean them up. This weekend’s incident is the first to be officially reported.
“Saying no in these situations isn’t really an option,” said Abraham. “While everything is technically voluntary, it’s difficult to refuse in an environment in which you’re trying to prove your undying loyalty to a supreme moral authority. The peer pressure is very real.”
“Oh my Me, bro, this whole thing is being blown WAY out of proportion,” responded God when asked for comment. “I obviously wasn’t gonna let him actually kill his son.” Witness testimonies have indeed corroborated that the Creator and Ruler of the Universe shouted out “PSYCH, PUSSY!” at the critical moment.
Authorities are currently working out the logistics of suspending an omnipotent and omnipresent abstract being.