Volume 17

Looking for a Fast Track to Salvation? Look No Further
29
Apr

Looking for a Fast Track to Salvation? Look No Further

Indulgences remit sins. Right? WRONG. Ever wondered why you spend hours doing “good works” every day but it doesn’t seem to get you anywhere? That’s because it never has, and I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true. If you’ve been trying to get into heaven, you know just how confusing it…
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In Lieu of Mental Health Services, Habif Now Offering The Sex Talk
29
Apr

In Lieu of Mental Health Services, Habif Now Offering The Sex Talk

“Not only do we offer butt plugs in discreet packaging, but now you can relive that incredibly awkward experience where your dad threw a pack of condoms at you and said ‘don’t forget to wrap it up’ when you were thirteen, '' says a Habif spokesperson. Habif’s new programming called “✨the talk✨'' joins…
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In Defense of Greek Life, via an Outsider
29
Apr

In Defense of Greek Life, via an Outsider

Since this summer, over half of WashU’s Greek system has deactivated after calls for abolition. With Instagram accounts like @aglwashu and @whyidropped_washu gaining traction, it’s unclear what the future of Greek life will be on our campus. However, as someone who has never been part of the Greek system, I am strongly against…
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WUPD Arrests Antique Thief
29
Apr

WUPD Arrests Antique Thief

The infamous “antique thief” was detained by WUPD last night at around 10 p.m. He was caught in an apartment on the 6000 block of Kingsbury Ave. hugging a vintage mahogany set, with channel knobs and all, a real antique, trying to hoist himself out of the second story window. An associate had…
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The Case for Middle Child Reparations
29
Apr

The Case for Middle Child Reparations

This piece was rejected by the Danforth Dispatch. So much for supporting freedom of tho(ugh)t. In a society dominated by extremes, the plight of middle children is something that’s been consistently ignored. Constantly overlooked and undervalued, middle children are the backbone of society. And we demand reparations for the pain we’ve felt for…
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