Last Tuesday evening, all six of Washu’s fabled “republicans” (whatever that means) could be found angrily waving their signs in protest of the Blood Drive taking place in Bear’s Den. Jason Murray, a spokesman for the group, explained their condemnation of the drive. “Today it might seem like just a ...
Read More »Racist Uncle at Thanksgiving Dinner Just Not Getting Same Reactions He Used to Feed Off Of
For Uncle Gilmore Cox, being racist at the Thanksgiving dinner table used to be much more fun. In the aftermath of Donald Trump’s election, comments which used to be met by his liberal family members with angry outbursts of disgust are now met only with despondence. “I ...
Read More »Post-Election Clinton Addresses Local Credit Union
This past Wednesday, Mrs. Clinton delivered remarks at local credit unions about the benefits of “saving for retirement.” Coming off a stunning election shock, Hillary Clinton has failed to line up the coveted speaker positions she had from investment banks such as Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase she enjoyed before ...
Read More »Shy Woman, Consistently Holding a Mug, Claims She’s an “Avid Writer”
Local bookstore clerk, Veronica Sneebler, went on record last Tuesday claiming that she’s an “avid writer”. However, after a week of intense investigative reporting, we have received contradictory information. According to consistent bookstore visitor and legitimate avid writer, Meredith Wang, Veronica has never actually written. To solve this potentially international ...
Read More »Sophomore Unaware Thanksgiving to Double as Intervention
According to sources, sophomore Jason Smith is blissfully unaware that his family is planning to use Thanksgiving dinner to intervene on his aggressive social media presence. His family cites his Facebook as the primary cause of the intervention, although his Instagram and Twitter also look to be part of the ...
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