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In a stunning discovery, WashU medical students identified a rare pathogen on Friday known to be wreaking havoc among the Student Life publication staff. Coined “bad journalism” by sophomore Trevor Dietrich, the rare phenomenon continues to spread amongst members of the paper’s roster and shows no signs of stopping.
“The disease stems from a bacterium that infects host writers,” wrote Dr. Sasha Wood, a local BME professor. Experts are currently fighting to contain the outbreak; Patient Zero has been narrowed to one of 300 alumni at the 141st Anniversary Party for the independent newspaper. Cautioned Dr. Wood, “Many attendees harbored this parasite long before the banquet.”
Post-infection, hosts suffer detachment from a neutral writer’s voice; many reporters lose perception of nuance and opt instead for extreme opinions on water bottles, study rooms and alternatives to WILD. The trend even afflicts those in power; editors quickly fail to distinguish gradients of both quality and integrity in submitted materials, allowing students to conduct petty gladiator fights amidst the Op-Eds over topics like SU elections and parking spaces.
“We initially hesitated to make the call, but it’s likely been going on for years,” admitted Dr. James Odmundson. “Once we put together all the data – the ‘stakeout’ in a library, the infographics made for X-Men, the reviews of Subway bread, et cetera – well, the results spoke for themselves.”
We are currently urging all students to avoid potential carriers of the virus. If you or a loved one has received a Studlife issue, please purchase a new doormat and discard of the toxins immediately. God’s Speed and stay safe.
