Dating Advice: Wisdom from the Toddlers at that Nursery School in the Village


Q: So I know this guy who’s afraid of sex. What can he do to not be afraid of it and can I tell him myself?

A: Stay afraid. Sex is scary. Lots of liquids and noises. You know what they say, a life lived out of fear is a life lived well.

Q: Why does it hurt when I pee?

A: Definitely a lack of faith in the Lord. Try ten Hail Marys a day and regularly douse the affected area in holy water. If that doesn’t work, sorry buddy. Try sinning less.

Q: How do I talk to a crush?

A: It’s always nice to give people compliments- tell them you think they deserved to have parents that loved them more, and that you like how they’re not focused on being the smartest person in every room. Tell them you don’t crave the funniest or most beautiful lover, but you’re content with the good old American middle class.

Q: Should I message her? It’s been a month but I think about her every single day.

A: Absolutely! She’s thinking about you too! Surely nothing can go wrong! Hell, send her fifteen messages, the more the better! Detail every little thought you’ve had in the last month, and she’ll finally understand that you’re the right person for her.

Q: What if they are stinky?

A: Consider them a delicacy. One man’s stinky is another man’s kinky. Ever heard of Camembert? Embrace epicureanism. Live Mas.

Q: What is edging?

A: Well.. it’s.. Like.. well.. Like. so when youre.. Uh.. you keep.. Getting.. Uh.. closer.. Closer.. to .. uh..

Q: She keeps hopping to her burrow under Brookings when I try to ask her out. What do I do?

A: Seems you’ve fallen in love with the elusive St. Louis molewoman. Do yourself a favor and don’t get involved. Trust me. Dirt all over my floor, dirt in my bed, dirt in the goddamn shower drain. She tried to end it with a note, but as she was sneaking out, she hit a water main under my backyard. Flooded all my shit. Keep away.

Q: What those tonsils do?

A: You got me there. I have no fucking idea what tonsils do.

A:Your tonsils are two round, fleshy masses in the back of your throat (pharynx). Part of your immune system, your tonsils are like lymph nodes. They help filter out germs that enter through your nose or mouth to protect the rest of your body from infection. Tonsils are also called palatine tonsils or faucial tonsils.

Sometimes tonsils can become red, swollen or infected. If this issue becomes chronic or doesn’t get better, your healthcare provider might recommend a tonsillectomy (tonsil removal). Typically, people who have their tonsils removed can still fight off infection without any problems. Your body can find other ways to combat germs.

Q: Will I ever be loved by my parents?

A: Reply Hazy. Try Again Later.

Q: Will love tear us apart?

A: Love’s ability to destroy is simply a mirror of its ability to create. Your mortal insecurity simply speaks to the inexperienced nature of your soul; seasoned beings know there’s no difference between togetherness and separation. This question is moot: if you’ve loved you cannot be torn apart.