Leading Together Campaign Raises Historic $3.378 Billion Dollars to be Buried in Underground Vault, Never to See the Light of Day

Washington University’s Leading Together fundraising campaign concluded on June 30th, far exceeding expectations by soliciting over $3.378 billion in gifts and commitments to be promptly locked in a vault and buried far beneath the surface of the earth.

In an August 30th email to the Washington University community, Chancellor Mark Wrighton expressed his utmost gratitude for this remarkable achievement, saying, “I am eternally grateful you all for pledging your time, money, and cash to this valiant effort. Leading Together has vastly increased the total number of money we have to look at, count, and store in various top secret locations underneath mountains of dirt, rarely to be spent on students or faculty.”

Before Leading Together, WashU’s “endowment” could boast over $7.5 billion dollars, invested in a diversified portfolio of treasure chests, sunken galleons, and stainless steel vaults hidden miles below where any rational person would think to look.

“This fundraiser will greatly help us fulfill our mission to acquire wads of cash,” said Andy Taylor, who chaired the campaign, “we thought we’d only raise enough money to fill up a single abandoned missile silo, but we were surprised to find we raised enough to fill up an entire abandoned coal mine — that’s a lot of coinage, my friend.”

At the end of his “thank-you” email, Chancellor Wrighton added, “There is much to look forward to as a university community, and I am confident that we will continue acquiring literal tons of money far into the future.”

On the cusp of his retirement, Leading Together truly cements Chancellor Wrighton’s storied legacy of getting lots and lots of money and placing it in hidden caverns where no one will ever find it or use it.