WUnderground WashU's Premier (and only) satirical newspaper!
To make this article easier for me to write and you to read, I’ll cut to the chase: I can’t keep my underpants clean. But the stench is not nearly enough to keep my peers away from me at all times, so I figured I’d put it into writing to make sure it becomes everybody’s problem. I’m not writing this to raise awareness about some debilitating condition, advertise some bullshit vitamin, or even look for a solution for my so-called “problem.” I just like to rant, and people can’t comment on this article to call me mean names like they did on Reddit.
“Shit Talking”
This one really grinds my gears. Everybody likes to “talk shit;” they all think they’re the best at it! Isn’t that rich? Well, if you think you can talk the talk you better be ready to walk the walk. So how about you put your shit where your pants are and get real for once?
Giving your Oh-So-Special Opinions When Nobody Asked
Oh God, speaking of getting real, why do people constantly make stuff up to complain about? I’ll be minding my own business, shitting my OWN pants, when someone has the gall to look me dead in the eye and ask, “What’s that terrible smell???” I’m outraged to report this has happened more than once, and I’m convinced everyone is out to pick on me in particular. What smell are they even talking about? I sure as hell don’t see a smell around here! Seeing is believing, and I don’t believe in their little “terrible smell” hivemind for a second.
“Go back to your dorm and change, this is a 12-person seminar in a tiny room”
For the love of God, get a hobby.
Despite my rants, PR is telling me that I need to say that I respect your opinions. Everybody is entitled to their own, as I am entitled to mine. It would be unreasonable to suggest that other people change their opinions and behavior for my sake. Phew, now that I got that “PR-mandated segment” out of the way, this’ll go straight to the StudLife forum for all to read. It meets all the requirements after all; it’s a body of text, doesn’t contain any slurs, satisfies PR, AND raises awareness about my lack of companionship. So yeah, this is who I am, and I don’t plan on changing. Or maybe I do. I don’t know.