The revolution is finally upon us.
Moving Forward. Transformation. Here and Next. These are all words to describe the trajectory WashU has been taking in the last few years. Seeing as the university is at the forefront of science, arts, and culture (by Midwestern standards), the administration of this great institution has its sights set on progress. And Chancellor Andrew Martin, champion of the people, has recently announced the next great leap in progress: moving Seigle Hall three inches to the left.
In a recent press conference, Martin announced the project, stating, “Moving Seigle Hall three inches to the left will redefine the way space is seen on campus. What was once an antiquated and oppressive collection of buildings will soon become a contemporary utopia of happiness and equality.”
When questioned on his reasoning, Martin crinkled some paper in front of the microphone, and claimed that he was “going through a tunnel” and “breaking up”. Shortly after, he scampered away.
WUnderground reached out to Provost Beverly Wendland for comment, and after learning that her first name was not, in fact, “Provost”, we sat down with “Beverly” to discuss the new project. “The name of the game is progress”, said Wendland, “and that is absolutely worth the effort it will take to move Seigle Hall three inches to the left. Will this project come with a massive tuition increase?
Will we have to move all the Arts and Sciences classes to the Eastgate Taco Bell parking lot? Do we still need to unflood the basement of Lopata House? The answer to all these questions, of course, is yes. But according to the admissions department, WashU is a supportive community, so I know the student body will understand the importance of these changes, and the sacrifice they require.”
Wendland then proceeded to stand up, salute, and sing the WashU alma mater, which is apparently a thing we have.
Stay tuned for updates on this still developing story.
UPDATE 1: Early reports say that the remaining three inches of space created by the move will be shared by the various fraternities on campus. Said an IFC representative, “Three inches is more than enough”