Uncategorized – Page 13

26

Mar

SHS Prepping for Housing Casualties

In advance of housing petitions opening, Student Health Services has hired some of the world’s top surgeons to mitigate the school’s annual rooming-inspired mass casualties. "Each year anywhere between fifty and one hundred underclassmen are killed by former suitemates," claimed SHS director Ira Glass. "Although we can't stop the coordinated acts of violence…

25

Mar

WILD Decision Looking Rocky but SPB to announce A.S.A.P.

WashU’s social programming board announced Wednesday that their decision for Spring WILD is still under heavy debate. After failing to produce a Fall WILD, SPB feels pressure to deliver a high profile artist for this spring’s concert. We asked SPB representative Jessica Higgins for a quote, to which she replied “no comment” after…

25

Mar

Jerry Sandusky Named Top Athletic Director Candidate

Reports recently surfaced that former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky is one of the top choices in Washington University’s search for a new athletic director. The announcement comes in the wake of the departure of Justin X. Carroll, who was indicted on federal child pornography charges in January. In a press release,…

25

Mar

Sophomore Accepts Internship at Organ Research Institute

It’s that time of the year again. Students across Washington University are frantically trying to secure summer internships to boost their future career prospects. For one students, however, the search is over. This past Friday, sophomore Dennis Westman accepted a summer internship at Organ Research Group, a biomedical firm that specializes in organ…

25

Mar

A Guide to GETTING BUFF Without Actually Fucking Working Out

Spring Break is right around the corner, and we at WUnderground know that many of you guys promised yourselves that over the long winter, you’d chisel out that monster body you’ve always wanted. We also know that probably hasn’t happened. But fear not! Our top cryptologists have deciphered the message hidden within the…