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In advance of housing petitions opening, Student Health Services has hired some of the world’s top surgeons to mitigate the school’s annual rooming-inspired mass casualties. “Each year anywhere between fifty and one hundred underclassmen are killed by former suitemates,” claimed SHS director Ira Glass. “Although we can’t stop the coordinated acts of violence that lead to such fatalities, we can ensure victims live to hold grudges against former friends, at least until the following year’s petitions open.”
According to Student Health Services, every few years brings a new method of choosing a suite’s last member, but one-on-one, turn-and-shoot duels have recently gained popularity. Supporters applaud duels for preventing the awkwardness of being honest with a suitemate you don’t want to live with, but they do not always end as desired.
“It’s always tough to lose a suitemate,” said sophomore Isabel Smith, whose desired suitemate Jordyn Anderson was forced into administrative assignment after losing a near-fatal duel with her former roommate, Amber Webster last February. “Jordyn was always super sweet, and Amber’s just the worst. But Jordyn’s bullet veered left, and Amber hit her right in the tit.” Following Jordyn’s recovery, Isabel claims the suite fought for a rematch. “We challenged the decision, but Res Life’s policy is very clear: students must honor the results of all duels, regardless of the loser’s survival.”
At press time, SHS announced their intention to continue to misdiagnose and neglect those in need of medical attention until housing petitions open.
