Speaking to reporters on Friday morning, Writing 1 Professor Marilyn Barnhardt expressed hope that her students would not realize she is currently tripping on Phencyclidine, commonly known as PCP. A long-time fan of Kygo, who is headlining this year’s WILD, Barnhardt wanted to ensure she was in the right mindset for the artist’s “tropical house” music.
“If my class is at 3, Kygo is coming on around 7, and my past trips generally last five to eight hours, then the meth makes sense. Uh, I mean math,” said Barnhardt. “I’m no lightweight, but if I take the drugs at 2:55, things could start happening before the end of class. I think I can fend off the hallucinations for about 15 minutes though.”
Having heard that pregaming WILD is a common practice among her faculty peers, Barnhardt consulted with others in the Writing Department about her strategy. Colleagues offered their overwhelming support to the first year teacher.
“Marilyn will be fine,” said Marshall Burlington, in his fifth year of teaching Writing 1. “None of us ever go to class sober on WILD, so she’s been getting tips from the best. My dealer is catering the department pregame this year with a wide array of hallucinogens, amphetamines, and opiates. Given that it’s Marilyn’s first year, we’ve advised her to take the pregame lightly, and to eat lots of salty food beforehand.”
On the class agenda for Friday are several pieces by George Orwell, which the students have been looking forward to exploring for quite some time.
“I’m so excited to read Orwell! I’ve never read him before!” exclaimed freshman, Jennifer Fournette. “I’m an impressionable and curious freshman and so my first ever impression of Orwell’s writing will be engrained in my mind for years to come! Sure, I am excited to experience WILD, but academics are my true priority! I just hope that Professor Barnhardt takes her job seriously despite all the temptations!”
At press time, Barnhardt was having difficulty remembering the name of the alpaca sitting in the back row.