A recent investigation investigation conducted by Student Life, WashU’s premier [only] nonsatirical independent student newspaper, studied why leaves have been changing colors and suspiciously disappearing from trees, concluding campus fraternities were behind the stunt. The two-week-long investigation included thorough questioning of eye-witnesses, a comprehensive student survey, and other strategies often employed by newspapers with a high level of journalistic integrity.
“The campus climate is changing more than ever before, and through firsthand student accounts, we have identified the problem’s source,” read the study. “We have no choice but to condemn the acts of the fraternities involved in the stunt,” claiming “the incident is yet another act of foolish hazing.”
The article cites the homogeneous nature of leaves in question as evidence, stating that only an institution so deeply rooted in elitism and exclusion could be behind the incident.
“We lament the fact that among the leaves now lining the sidewalks, only the warmer colors, like red, orange and yellow were represented, whereas cold colors like blue, that have long been left out of normative depictions of leaf color, were entirely unrepresented and disenfranchised,” said the article.
Although the chair of the biology department attempted to inform StudLife that the occurrence was in fact a natural, seasonal occurrence, the editorial staff persisted with their investigation in the name of journalism. They understood they needed to collect more evidence to support their initial findings in the form of an online survey, posted on every class Facebook page.
The survey, answered by seven residents of Lee 2, asked respondents hard hitting questions such as, “How many leaves have you seen before and after October 12th?” “Which Frat did it?” and “What is your preferred gender pronoun?”
As of press time, Washington University Fraternity members were seen consuming large amounts of alcohol to cope with the impending dramatic change on their livelihoods.
Student Life editor-in-chief Blayson Jair declined to comment.