Last Thursday, campus administration unveiled plans to rehab the beloved Gary M. Sumers Recreation Center. Most notable of the $666 million project are designs to outfit the building with a new exorcise room, available to all students.
“We’ve been feeling some bad juju on campus lately,” Sayta Nick-Rich Yuilles, a Campus Life representative, said. “People haven’t been frequenting Graham Chapel like they probably should, so we decided to install an exorcise room in students’ favorite building on campus.”
According to Yuilles, the room will serve as a safe space for those who have felt a little possessed as of late. “We know people go to the gym to escape their demons, figuratively,” Yuilles said. “But the way some people act in the weight section made us think this addition was necessary.”
The project is a combined effort across multiple graduate schools, including Sam Fox’s Master of Architecture Program and the Olin School’s MBA program. “We know that the business school students are often doing deals with the Devil,” Lucy Fir, a professor in the Architecture School, said, “so we thought we could recruit them in the exorcise room de- sign and business model.”
As of now, the room is to be built next to the squash courts, as that’s where the most possessed individuals frequent, but the room remains open to all who need a devilish cleanse. The room will be open six days a week (omitting Sundays, of course) and a chaplain from the Chapel will be on-call at all times for those who need a helping hand.
“At a pressure-cooker school like WashU, students get stressed, and this makes them more susceptible to infiltrations from the devil,” Eve L. Speareet, a representative from the Habif Center, said. “Rather than seek- ing medical solutions, because why would we ever provide medical assistance, we figured the best route would be to direct students towards the gym. This way, we can kill two birds with one stone: students can exorcise after they exercise, all before lunch! It’s healthier this way.”