WUnderground WashU's Premier (and only) satirical newspaper!
So like you know how when you’re on Google Maps and you wanna look at a place that’s really far away from the place you are. But since it automatically opens to the place you are, like basically street view, you start to zoom out? Like you’re not gonna scroll to the place you wanna go from the automatic level of zoom because that’s just wayyy too close zoomed in and it would take you way too long to find the place you are trying to find. And if the place is, like, across the world you just open the app and start pinching out straight away because you know the fastest way to get there is to zoom really far out until you can see the whole globe at the tip of your fingers and feel that sweet, sweet omnipotence that only God himself knows? (That’s right, liberals, God is a he and I know that because he came to me in a vision when I acciden- tally overdosed on Ozempic with Mindy Kaling). Like when you get to rotate the globe in your fingers and twirl the planet from above as you bask in the glowing warmth of control, knowing that your unique fingerprint is solely responsible for manipulating the only world that 8 billion people have ever known? Everyone knows that, once you zoom out really far, it is much easier for you to move faster across the globe.
We all know, also, that this is how planes work. Yes, of course, they actually go faster than cars because you don’t have to recharge them every 5 hours, and everyone knows that planes go extra fast sometimes because they have the eldritch power of the Aeolan winds gently blowing their divine grace upon those big metal birds. But, I had an idea: If Planes Went Higher In The Sky The Distances Between Places Would Be Shorter. Like the Google maps thing, if the plane didn’t stop climbing at a measly 35k feet, but instead went really really high up (like zooming out… do you see where I’m going with this…), then they could get to places around the world really fast. This is my vision for SpaceX. I don’t want the rockets to go to space— who the fuck cares about space? Not me. Not until they find a group of people to exploit in space. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions people have about SpaceX. Okay, fine, maybe I set myself up for confusion by naming it that, but I couldn’t name it “MakePlanesGoHigherX” because that just doesn’t have a good ring to it (and the .com was already taken for that one).
So, idk, if any of you engineers wanna prove that your degree is really as valuable as you’ve been telling yourself every time you resist the urge to leap in front of the campus shuttle, text me PLEASE. I really wanna make this happen and I think it’s a really good idea. I just don’t know where to start. I tried to bribe the pilots on my last flight and I told them I would give them a billion dollars each if they just kept going higher and higher but they refused and now I’m not allowed on Delta anymore.
