Hey, freshman! Yeah bro, you right there. Way you’re walking, looks like the only thing you’ve been crushing this semester is tap water. I get it I get it, things are dry these days: no Big Daddy’s, no TKE basement, no Chem PLTL. Most of the girls in your life are trapped in Zoom tiles. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still pull like a goddamn tow truck. You just need some veteran game. And women don’t all want the same thing, unless that thing is a Harley Davidson, but we’re in a pandemic so you need to take the varied approach. Oh boy, here we go:
1. Location Location Location
Your dorm room says a lot about you. So make sure you don’t look like a pussy. No Tame Impala album posters, no polaroid walls, and NO Chicago flags. You need something that tells everyone you’re an absolute stud. Behind me rest a Julius Caesar bust, a bloodied gladius, and a ham. It’s time to level up.
2. Strong and silent
If your video quality is good enough, emphasize the STRONG. I’m talking shirt off, pecs oiled, neck thick. I mean THICK. If your neck isn’t wider than your head, it’s time to hit the gym. If your video is too grainy for this display, it’s time to go STEALTH. Turn your video off and leave your audio on. Don’t answer any questions, even if directly addressed; but make sure to keep your peers aware of your presence with tastefully spaced low grunts. Does wonders for your image.
Strong and silent won’t work on everyone, so you’ve gotta play the field. Pretend to care. Pretend to be speaking in American Sign Language to someone on the other side of your screen. Once every class, drop “Racism, Pretty Bad, Right?” in the Zoom chat. Use the Thumbs Up reaction whenever a girl shares something traumatic. Dude trust me.
4. Share your true feelings
This is a delicate art, because it can’t seem intentional. So invite over one of your boys who’s on the same chase, and “accidentally” unmute yourself. Then it’s time. It’s a bit tricky, because Zoom doesn’t reveal much on girls that you can verbally objectify. Stick to the basics: “Yo, her name sounds Italian, I bet she’s hot as fuck”; “Dude she has a salt crystal the head must be immaculate”; “Damn I dropped my pencil but I can’t pick it up without sucking my own dick, I’m not gay though so I guess I just won’t take any notes for the rest of class.” These statements let chicks know you’re interested, and that on its own is a giant turn-on.
If you’re still having a hard time even with these tricks, well, that’s on you. That’s all I’ll say.