WASHINGTON D.C. — At an unplanned press conference on Friday, CDC Director Robert Redfield informed Americans that right now the most constructive thing to do in response to the Coronavirus is panic, absolutely panic.
Sweating and panting uncontrollably, the visibly frightened CDC Director told Americans to just “freak the fuck out” and “let terror overcome you.” He appeared to be wearing a DIY mask hastily crafted out of his own poop-stained underwear.
“You will probably die, regardless of whether you follow our instructions,” he added, hyperventilating. “Just go fucking apeshit, man. Kill your neighbors, eat their dog.”
The esteemed virologist, who was at this point visibly shaking, went on to encourage tribalistic tactics as a last-ditch effort to save a precious few lives.
“Fuck it — just hoard everything you can get your hands on,” he then spurted out between rounds of anxious vomiting, “toilet paper, hand sanitizer, plastic straws, fertilizer, potatoes, peas? — yeah, whatever, peas too.”
Redfield spoke directly to the nation’s healthcare workers, as well. Citing the national shortage of ventilators, face masks, and other essential protective equipment, the exhausted CDC Director recommended that all healthcare workers “just fucking flee the country. Go to sea for 18 months if you can. For your own sake, abandon anyone who could possibly infect you.”
“New York, St. Louis, Minneapolis, no one is safe,” he concluded, spiraling into despair. “Everyone just bum rush the Canadian border on Easter if this gets any worse.”
At press time, Redfield could be seen sprinting full-force down the empty highway, repeatedly shouting “There is no God and we are his prophets!”